To truly actualize change, you have to engage in the work of making new choices every day -- *location: 254* --- We were the picture of middle-class normalcy and happiness—an all-American projection that clouded the reality. In fact, we were a sick family. My sister suffered from life-threateningly serious health issues as a child, and my mother struggled with her own phantom pains that confined her to bed for days -- *location: 267* --- My parents joked that I was their “Christ child.” I slept well, hardly caused issues, and more or less kept out of trouble -- *location: 273* --- I learned very early on to ease any burden of my existence by being as near to perfect as possible in all of the ways I knew I had excelled -- *location: 275* --- My mother was not particularly expressive with her emotions. We were not really a “touchy” family and physical touch was minimal. To my memory, “I love yous” in childhood were very inconsistent -- *location: 276* --- My mom, a wounded child herself, had never been shown the love she craved deeply. As a result, she was unable to express love to her own children, whom she did love deeply -- *location: 280* --- Overall, the family lived in a general state of emotional avoidance where anything unpleasant was merely ignored -- *location: 281* --- At various points in my postdoctoral work, I tried to incorporate outside elements into my psychology practice. I felt that mindfulness gave us tremendous opportunities for self-reflection and self-awareness. After conducting and publishing my own research on this topic, I tried to convince my doctoral adviser to let me study the practice of meditation and its effect on addictive behaviors for my dissertation project. I was denied. He didn’t believe that mindfulness had therapeutic value; he saw it as a fad, not something worthy of study -- *location: 323* --- Looking back now, I can see that a path was unfolding before me. My inner guide was showing me all that I needed to create a holistic model of healing -- *location: 327* --- Long out of school, I started to ask new questions: Why did so many of my clients suffer from digestive issues, ranging from irritable bowel syndrome (IBS) to constipation? Why were there such high rates of autoimmune diseases? And why did almost all of us feel panicky and unsafe almost all the time? -- *location: 333* --- Unfortunately, Western medicine is constrained by the belief that the mind and body are separate entities—clinicians treat the mind (psychology or psychiatry) or the body (every other branch of medicine) and rarely incorporate treatment for both at the same time. This arbitrary separation of mind and body holds medicine back from its potential for healing and sometimes even makes us sicker in the process. Indigenous and Eastern cultures, on the other hand, have fully understood and honored the connections among the mind, body, and soul/spirit for thousands of years -- *location: 343* --- In the seventeenth century, the concept of “mind-body dualism,” a literal disconnection between the mind and body, was birthed by the French philosopher René Descartes. This dichotomy persists four hundred years later -- *location: 351* --- Today the focus of psychiatry has become overwhelmingly biological. You’re much more likely to be asked about a family history of mental illness and be given a prescription for antidepressants than to be asked about childhood trauma or given guidance about your nutrition and lifestyle -- *location: 362* --- By assigning a genetic cause, we naturally imagine our sickness to be part of who we are. When we become a diagnosis, it decreases incentive to change or try to explore root causes. We identify with the label. This is who I am -- *location: 366* --- Since the turn of the twentieth century we’ve believed in genetic causes of diagnoses—a theory called genetic determinism. Under this model, our genes (and subsequent health) are determined at birth -- *location: 368* --- The idea of harnessing the power of the body to help heal the mind was dismissed as antiscience. Or, worse, New Age nonsense -- *location: 382* --- Emerging science tells us that the genes we inherit aren’t fixed; they are influenced by their environment, beginning in utero and continuing throughout our lives. The groundbreaking discovery of epigenetics tells a new story about our ability to change -- *location: 388* --- We do have a genetic code at birth. But gene expression and repression are influenced by our environment. In other words: our life experiences alter us at the cellular level -- *location: 396* --- The science of epigenetics has shifted us away from the disease management model to a new paradigm that recognizes the impact of our daily environment on our health -- *location: 398* --- Addiction and trauma specialist Dr. Gabor Maté, for example, has written extensively about the deep imprints emotional stress leaves on the structure of the brain, causing many common physical and psychological illnesses -- *location: 405* --- The mind can create real, measurable changes in the body—and the placebo effect is mainstream science’s recognition of this fact -- *location: 429* --- But there is a flip side to this. It’s called the nocebo effect, and it’s the placebo effect’s “evil twin.” This occurs when our thoughts don’t make us better, they make us worse -- *location: 438* --- In another documented case of the nocebo effect from 2007, a twenty-six-year-old man who was participating in a clinical trial on antidepressants was rushed to the hospital after an attempted overdose. On the heels of a fight with his girlfriend, he took twenty-nine of the pills that he’d been prescribed for the study. When he arrived at the hospital, his blood pressure dropped to dangerously low, near-death levels and he was sweating, shaking, and breathing rapidly. Once the doctors were able to stabilize him, they tested him and found no evidence of drugs in his system. When a doctor from the clinical trial arrived at the hospital, he realized that the young man had been in the placebo group, meaning that he had taken an inert, or nonactive, pill. He had, it seemed, overdosed on his own negative thoughts and wishes -- *location: 448* --- Running on autopilot is a function of our conditioning. Most of us are stuck in subconscious programming; in fact, some brain scans reveal that we operate only 5 percent of the day in a conscious state; the rest of the time, we are in subconscious autopilot. This means that we are making active choices during only a small sliver of our days and letting our subconscious run the show the rest of the time -- *location: 647* --- When we do try to push ourselves out of our autopilot, we face resistance from our mind and body. This response has a name: the homeostatic impulse. The homeostatic impulse regulates our physiological functions from breathing to body temperature to heartbeat. And it all happens at the subconscious level, meaning that we do not actively initiate any of them; they are automatic. The goal of the homeostatic impulse is to create balance in the mind and body. When there’s dysregulation, the imbalances can be problematic and even self-betraying -- *location: 652* --- Because of these instinctually driven reactions, when we try to change our habits many of us remain trapped in cycles of disempowerment. Instead of understanding that this comes from an evolutionarily honed body response, we tend to shame ourselves. This shame is a misreading of our physiology -- *location: 665* --- Every time we make a choice that is outside of our default programming, our subconscious mind will attempt to pull us back to the familiar by creating mental resistance. Mental resistance can manifest as both mental and physical discomfort. It can take the form of cyclical thoughts, such as I can just do this later or I don’t need to do this at all, or physical symptoms, such as agitation, anxiety, or simply not feeling like “yourself.” This is your subconscious communicating to you that it is uncomfortable with the new territory of these proposed changes -- *location: 667* --- For many people, physical movement is useful in honing the attention muscle that is so key to consciousness. Yoga, which is considered a “top-down” practice (meaning that the brain sets the intentions that the body follows), can be an especially powerful means of helping the mind settle into the present moment by focusing our attention as we practice channeling our breath and challenging our body -- *location: 693* --- Instead of fixating on related negative thoughts—as studies show we do 70 percent of the time—I want you to try to witness your body’s sensations when you’re feeling threatened. In other words: I want you to become conscious. Do you see yourself growing defensive, with tightened shoulders and jaw muscles, when you FaceTime with your mother? Do you withdraw, disconnecting from or becoming hyperaware of your body’s sensations, when you walk into an unfamiliar environment? Witness without judgment. Just observe. The path forward is to learn yourself. Learn how to spend time alone, to sit still, to really hear your intuition and witness your entire Self—even, and especially, the darkest parts you’d most like to keep hidden -- *location: 737* --- There is tremendous freedom in not believing every thought we have and understanding that we are the thinker of our thoughts, not the thoughts themselves -- *location: 743* --- Today I am practicing being conscious to myself and my daily patterns. I am grateful for an opportunity to create change in my life. Today, I am conscious and aware whenever I choose. Change in this area allows me to feel more aware of myself and my patterns. Today, I am practicing when I bring my attention back to the present moment -- *location: 778* --- Dissociation is a very common stress response for those who are living with childhood trauma. Psychiatrist Pierre Janet, who coined the term, described it as a “splitting off” of the self. I describe it to my clients as the feeling of departing in a “spaceship,” a kind of metaphysical detachment of the self from the body -- *location: 805* --- Yet I had almost no memories from childhood. The milestones that typically make up a person’s existence—first kiss, prom, holidays—all of those were blank for me -- *location: 835* --- I should add that I did remember emotions—I still had “feeling memories” or impressions of the past, I just didn’t connect those feelings with concrete experiences. I can feel what it was like to lie in bed at age six and cycle through the list of ways that my world could shatter: my parents could die, someone could break into the house, we could all die in a fire, the list went on and on. This anxiety state is a feeling memory and an expression of my family’s fear-driven refrain, “It’s always something” -- *location: 842* --- Unlike the rest of my family, though, who struggled to cope with living in such a highly fearful state, I never appeared overwhelmed. They called me the aloof one, the laid-back, chill child who was easy and go-with-the-flow. It appeared like nothing ever bothered me. That aloofness was a coping strategy, my mind’s protection from the stress: I would detach, distance myself, get into my “spaceship.” I was so disengaged from myself, so far away on that spaceship, that ultimately I stored very few memories from my childhood and retained barely any recollections from my twenties. Just because my mind wasn’t present to what was unfolding around me doesn’t mean that my body doesn’t remember -- *location: 847* --- Dr. Bessel van der Kolk, a trauma expert and the author of the ground-breaking book *The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma*, describes dissociation as a process of “simultaneously knowing and not knowing” and says that traumatized people who disengage “simultaneously remember too little and too much” -- *location: 853* --- Though their histories differed drastically, the dynamics followed a similar script. Many were functional perfectionists, overachievers, or addicted to different substances or behaviors. There was a lot of anxiety, depression, lack of confidence, low self-worth, and an obsession with being viewed a certain way. There were problematic relationship patterns. And of course, there was the “stuckness,” the inability to move forward from patterns of behavior that seemed ingrained. The patterns were telling a story—one that would shed light onto how pervasive trauma in childhood truly is -- *location: 867* --- I believe that our understanding of trauma should be widened to include a diverse range of overwhelming experiences or, as the neurologist Robert Scaer defined it, any negative life event “that occurs in a state of relative helplessness” -- *location: 873* --- Trauma occurred when we consistently betrayed ourselves for love, were consistently treated in a way that made us feel unworthy or unacceptable resulting in a severed connection to our authentic Self. Trauma creates the fundamental belief that we must betray who we are in order to survive -- *location: 885* --- A parent-figure’s role is to be a guide. A loving parental relationship provides a secure base for a child to return to as they venture out into life, with all the ups and downs associated with this great transition. A guide is largely nonjudgmental, allowing the child to exist as they are. A guide is more likely to observe and act from a state of awareness and wisdom. This allows the child to experience the natural consequences of their actions without intervention and laying the foundation for them to build self-trust. Think of the guide as a wise teacher, someone who has faith in the foundation they have provided and trusts that the student will be able to weather what life brings. The child then internalizes this faith. This doesn’t mean that the child avoids pain, loss, anger, or grief—the wide array of human feelings—instead, the guide or parent-figure has provided a base of security and resilience for the child to return to when hard times come. If parent-figures have not healed or even recognized their unresolved traumas, they cannot consciously navigate their own path in life, let alone act as trustworthy guides for someone else. It’s very common for parent-figures to project their own unresolved traumas onto their children. When even well-meaning parent-figures react under the influence of their own unconscious wounds they, instead of offering guidance, may attempt to control, micromanage, or coerce a child to follow their will. Some of these attempts may be well intentioned. Parent-figures may consciously or unconsciously want to keep the child safe and protected from the world so that the child will not experience the pain that they, themselves, have. In the process, they may negate the child’s wants and needs. Even when this can seem intentional, these reactions often stem from their own deep-rooted pain, which may not be visible on the surface -- *location: 888* --- According to Lindsay Gibson, a psychotherapist and the author of *Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents*, this lack of emotional connection in childhood leaves “a gaping hole where true security might have been. The loneliness of feeling unseen by others is as fundamental a pain as physical injury” -- *location: 903* --- Just as you learn how to witness yourself consciously, the work is to consciously observe your loved ones and your bonds to them -- *location: 917* --- As you dive deeper into this work, it is important to keep in mind that sometimes old scars will be opened and an outpouring of feelings will come with the process of healing wounds from childhood. Just remember: this, too, can be a moment of witnessing. Begin to practice being kind to yourself and your loved ones, regardless of what comes up. How a parent-figure treated you as a child is not a reflection of who you are. Or even who they are. You do not need to be a reflection of their unprocessed trauma -- *location: 929* --- When a parent-figure denies a child’s reality, they are unconsciously teaching the child to reject their intuition, their “gut feeling.” The more we learn to distrust ourselves, the deeper this intuitive voice withdraws, becoming harder and harder to hear. This results in lost intuition and internal conflict. We learn that our judgment cannot be trusted and look to others to shape our reality -- *location: 940* --- Being acknowledged is one of the deepest human needs. If your childhood thoughts or ideas are not “heard,” your mind feels dismissed. If your childhood Self-expression is not “seen,” your soul feels diminished. This lack of acknowledgment can also take the form of your future being spoken for or predetermined before your passions and life’s path can be fully known. Experiences such as these make it hard for us to learn how to trust our inclinations and follow our intuitive needs -- *location: 972* --- Parent-figures who live out their lives through their children carry a deep-seated, painful belief that they are a “failure” or in some way inadequate, and often project this core belief onto their children -- *location: 985* --- Ultimately, trying to establish one’s own validity through the successes of another leads to disappointment on the parent-figure’s side. It also leads to resentment on the part of the child who neglected their own needs to fulfill another’s unmet needs -- *location: 989* --- This loss of Self can manifest in a number of ways in adulthood, and I’ve seen it play out most often as either severe indecisiveness and procrastination or as an obsessive need to succeed -- *location: 992* --- This was the trauma of my childhood fully realized. I was so unworthy, so unlovable. I didn’t exist. It was almost a relief to become the physical manifestation of what I so feared. It was what I was training for my whole life. It was my “spaceship” in action -- *location: 1,065* --- Adaptive coping is an action we take to help us return to feelings of safety, such as facing a problem head-on or redirecting negative thoughts. The key here is being active; adaptive coping requires effort and a conscious acknowledgment of the discomfort. It can be harder to use an adaptive coping strategy when we were not modeled them or taught how to use them. Maladaptive coping strategies, often learned from our parent-figures, give us a brief distraction or reprieve from the discomfort (say, by drinking alcohol at a wedding, as I did) or avoiding any emotional reaction (as I also did when I dissociated). Either of these attempts at relieving our distress, however, ends up in more disconnection from the authentic Self -- *location: 1,082* --- As an adaptive response, we can develop coping strategies to help return us to our psychological and physiological baseline: seeking supportive resources, learning how to self-soothe, and assisting our often stuck nervous systems to return to homeostasis. This process of leaving and then returning to our baseline of balance is called allostasis. It allows us to develop the biological capacity for resilience -- *location: 1,223* --- Stress also activates the body’s immune system, prompting it to become hypervigilant and primed to react at the mere suspicion of trouble. Our immune system learns from our behavior and habits beginning from when we are in utero and continuing throughout our lives. Once our immune system gets the signal that we’re living in a near-constant threat state, it repeatedly sends out chemicals that cause inflammation throughout the body. These chemicals act as a kind of fire starter for a wide array of symptoms of imbalance and dysfunction, increasing our risk of developing autoimmune diseases, chronic pain, and other diseases ranging from heart disease to cancer -- *location: 1,234* --- Stress affects every system of the body, including the gut—it’s no coincidence that gastrointestinal (GI) problems are one of the issues most commonly cited by people dealing with anxiety. When we’re stressed or frightened or anxious, our body has trouble digesting food and can either hold on to it for too long—resulting in constipation—or release it too quickly—resulting in irritable bowel syndrome (IBS) or diarrhea. Stress affects our food choices and the makeup of the microbiome in our gut, which is constantly communicating with our brain (something we will discuss in detail in chapter 5). In these cases, your body is denied essential nutrients—either because it isn’t breaking down the food you eat fast enough or it’s discharging it before it begins to process it. Without a well-functioning digestive system, we become sicker in all areas of our body -- *location: 1,253* --- The term polyvagal refers to the vagus nerve, which connects the brain and the gut. The vagus nerve has many branches of sensory fibers that run throughout the rest of the body—from the brain stem to the heart, lungs, genitals, you name it—connecting every major organ to the brain. The location and function of these nerves help us understand why the body reacts so swiftly when we’re stressed: why our hearts race when we run into an ex; why feelings of panic make us feel short of breath; and why I started fainting (or losing consciousness) out of the blue -- *location: 1,281* --- The autonomic nervous system is all about properly allocating our body’s resources. It constantly scans our environment for cues: Should I be careful here? Is this a dangerous situation? Is this person a friend or foe? Am I properly hydrated and fed to deal with any threats? The autonomic system uses something called neuroception—a “sixth sense” that operates outside our conscious awareness—to assess our environment and put people, places, and things into one of two boxes: safe or unsafe -- *location: 1,291* --- When the autonomic nervous system deems a situation safe, our vagus nerve tells our body to relax. This is when our parasympathetic nervous system, something called the “rest and digest” system, kicks in. The vagus nerve sends signals to the heart to slow down. Our digestion hums away happily, properly dispensing nutrients to our body. Our lungs inflate and take in more oxygen. In this calm state, we enter what is called social engagement mode, where we are primed to feel safe, secure, and able to connect easily with others -- *location: 1,294* --- When we are in social engagement mode, we even look more engaging and friendly. Our smiles seem more authentic (the vagus nerve connects to the muscles of the face), and our voices sound melodic and friendly (the vagus nerve also connects to our larynx, or voice box). Our hearing improves, as the vagus nerve connects to muscles in the middle ear, which open up so that we’re better able to hear calm human voices. Even our saliva glands are activated, greasing the wheels of our most potent instrument for connecting with the world around us: our mouth -- *location: 1,298* --- When we are in this receptive, parasympathetic state, our resources are allocated to higher executive functions in the brain, such as planning for the future, self-motivation, problem solving, and emotional regulation. Now that we’re not consumed with survival, we are free to be our authentic selves. This is a state of play, joy, compassion, and love. I call this the “learning brain”—it is flexible, open, calm, peaceful, and curious, all key states for achieving milestones in neurological and behavioral development in childhood. We are more likely to make mistakes and learn from them. We are more likely to get up when we fall -- *location: 1,302* --- Our vagus nerve has two pathways. Social activation and engagement mode are on one pathway. This pathway is myelinated, meaning that it’s sheathed with a layer of fat to make it engage quicker and shut off faster. The second pathway is unmyelinated and therefore less reactive and slower to shut off and more primitive. In fact, we share this pathway not with our ape ancestors but with reptiles -- *location: 1,330* --- When the second pathway is activated, we become immobilized. Our whole body shuts down. Our heart rate and metabolism slow to a crawl. Our bowels either release completely or clench up and hold. Our breathing may stop. We may pass out. This happens when our body feels that there is no hope for survival. Justin Sunseri, a polyvagal-informed therapist, describes immobilization mode beautifully: “If you see a bear, your mobilization mode may be activated, as your body primes you to either run or flee. But if the bear is already on top of you, your body might just give up and play dead.” This is dissociation mode. People who enter this mode leave their bodies psychologically. Many, like me, may appear present, interacting with others, though mentally be far off on their own “spaceship.” Some detach so completely that they view the event as a dream. Others develop amnesia. Whatever the degree of dissociation, this evolutionarily programmed trauma response explains why many of us have so little memory of past experiences—if we were never truly present when events occurred, we have no event memory to return to. It also explains how hard it is to disengage from this detached state and return to the present moment. The unmyelinated nerve makes it almost impossible to recover quickly once you’ve entered this mode -- *location: 1,333* --- So many of my clients, friends, and members of my online SelfHealers community have come to me with interpersonal issues that reflect disconnection: *I just can’t seem to connect with anyone. I want friends, but I can’t seem to cultivate any emotional depth. No one knows the real me. I can’t find love.* Once I dove into the polyvagal literature, I realized that the inability to form true intimacy with others is usually not about some defect in personality but a product of our vagal tone, a measure of our nervous system’s response to our environment. When we have poor vagal tone, we have higher sensitivity to perceived threats in our environment, which overactivates the body’s stress response and leads to reduced emotional and attentional regulation overall -- *location: 1,344* --- When we feel safe, it is reflected in our eyes, our voice, and our body language. We are fully present, and there is a lightness and ease in our manner. This sense of safety is passed on to others in a process called co-regulation. When others are reassured that you are not a threat, they, too, will feel safe and enter the same social activation mode that sets them at ease -- *location: 1,369* --- If a parent-figure provides a chaotic, stressful environment, the child will internalize that state and generalize: *My parents feel threatened. I am threatened because they are not attuned to my needs. The world is a threatening place.* This “survival brain” (as opposed to the social engagement’s “learning brain”) is hyperfocused on perceived threats, thinks about things in hard-and-fast black and white, and is often circular, obsessive, and panic driven. We are very fearful about making mistakes. We thrash around, break down, or shut down when we fail -- *location: 1,381* --- Thanks to epigenetics, we know that our genes are not fixed; thanks to neuroplasticity, we know that the brain can form new pathways; thanks to the conscious mind, we know the power of our thoughts to effect change; thanks to polyvagal theory, we know that the nervous system affects all other systems of the body -- *location: 1,501* --- We have around 500 million neurons in our gut, which can “talk” directly with the brain via a pathway known as the gut-brain axis, one of the most studied examples of the mind-body connection. The gut-brain axis is the highway that enables the exchange of a range of information, including how hungry we are, what kind of nutrients we need, how quickly food is passing through our stomach, and even when the muscles in our esophagus contract. Our friend the vagus nerve is one of the key messengers that facilitate the sending of these signals back and forth between our gut and brain -- *location: 1,569* --- The gut is also home to an extensive network of nerve cells along the gut wall that make up what is known as the enteric nervous system (ENS). This is a meshlike system of nerve cells that is so complex that researchers often refer to it as our “second brain” -- *location: 1,573* --- In fact, 90 percent of the neurotransmitter serotonin, commonly referred to as “the happy hormone” (though it is also involved in sleep, memory, and learning), is made in our gut -- *location: 1,580* --- Studies have shown a link between daily breathwork practices and increased longevity. The theory is that by managing our stress response, we decrease our inflammatory response and stimulate hormones that maintain the parts of chromosomes (called telomeres) that are associated with longer life -- *location: 1,672* --- According to James Nestor, the author of *Breath: The New Science of a Lost Art*, a two-decade-long research study of 5,200 people showed that “the greatest indicator of life span wasn’t genetics, diet, or the amount of daily exercise, as many had suspected. It was lung capacity. ... [L]arger lungs equaled longer lives. Because big lungs allow us to get more air in with fewer breaths.” -- *location: 1,674* --- Core beliefs are the many stories about ourselves, our relationships, our past, our future, and the innumerable other topics we construct based on our lived experiences -- *location: 1,811* --- One of my deepest narratives, one that ran the show for years without my knowledge, became clear to me once I started doing the work of becoming conscious and witnessing my internal world. That story is: *I am not considered* -- *location: 1,812* --- It was my mother at the window all over again: *This person doesn’t consider me, yet I need this person to live* -- *location: 1,840* --- A belief is a practiced thought grounded in lived experience. Beliefs are built up over years of thought patterns and require both interior and exterior validation to thrive. Beliefs about ourselves (our personality, our weaknesses, our past, our future) are filters that are placed over the lens of how we view our world. The more we practice certain thoughts, the more our brain wires itself to default to these thought patterns -- *location: 1,845* --- When a belief is repeatedly validated, it can become what is called a core belief. Core beliefs are our deepest perceptions about our identity; they were installed in our subconscious often before the age of seven. These are the stories of who I am—I’m smart, I’m personable, I’m outgoing, I’m introverted, I’m not good at math, I’m a night owl, I’m a loner—that provide the framework of our “personality” -- *location: 1,853* --- Once a core belief is formed, you engage in what’s called a confirmation of bias; information that does not conform to your beliefs is discarded or ignored in favor of information that does -- *location: 1,859* --- This subconscious filtering is the work of the reticular activating system (RAS), a bundle of nerves located on the brain stem that helps us sort out our environment, allowing us to concentrate on the things around us that we feel are essential -- *location: 1,870* --- Just as we learned in chapter 2 that we are not our thoughts, we are also not our core beliefs. This is often harder to accept, as our core beliefs are so ingrained, such a part of our identities, that they are hard to part with. The more you learn about the childhood brain and how these core beliefs are formed, the better able you will be, over time, to witness and become aware of them—and ultimately actively choose which ones you want to retain and which to leave behind -- *location: 1,885* --- In egocentrism, the belief is that everything is happening to us because of us. As a result of our brain’s development, we are literally unable to view the world from another’s perspective, even when the “other” is our parent-figure, sibling, or other close relative. As children, when any of our physical, emotional, or spiritual needs are consistently unmet, we inaccurately assume responsibility for this neglect, often internalizing false beliefs (*No one is helping me because I’m bad*) and then generalizing them more broadly (*The world is a bad place*) -- *location: 1,934* --- Spiritually, our individual souls have three basic needs: - To be seen - To be heard - To uniquely express our most authentic Selves -- *location: 1,947* --- A parent-figure who is feeling overwhelmed by and uncomfortable with their own emotions, when seeing their child distressed, might say “You’re too sensitive.” The child, whose main objective is to receive love, will suppress or hide their perceived sensitivities in an attempt to continue to do so. If this pattern continues, the child might “toughen up” or detach, ignoring their authentic Self and presenting a false self, which emerges from a core belief that parts of their identity are unacceptable -- *location: 1,953* --- Now that you understand that beliefs are just practiced thoughts, it shouldn’t come as too much of a surprise to learn that in order to create a new belief, you will have to begin to practice a new thought -- *location: 1,997* --- To put it simply, our relationship with our primary parent-figures is the foundation of the dynamics of all the relationships we have in adulthood. We call these relationships attachments -- *location: 2,057* --- In 1952, psychoanalyst John Bowlby presented a theory of attachment after studying children and their relationship with their mothers at a London clinic. The children would display a variety of “social releasers,” such as crying or smiling, to get parent-figures’ attention. He came to the conclusion that their intense reactions emerged from a survival instinct. The attachment between mother and child, which he defined as “lasting psychological connectedness between human beings,” was “evolutionarily beneficial” for both parties but especially for the child, who is utterly dependent on others to live. Attachment, he concluded, is essential to social, emotional, and cognitive development in babies -- *location: 2,058* --- The developmental psychologist Mary Ainsworth continued Bowlby’s work, creating the Strange Situation Classifications. This technique assessed different attachment styles by observing a child’s response when the mother briefly left the child in a room (sometimes with a stranger present) and returned. Ideally, when present, a parent-figure serves as a safe base for the child, who, once settled, will feel free to roam, play, and explore -- *location: 2,064* --- The inability to form secure attachments in childhood, moreover, has been linked to social anxiety, conduct disorders, and other psychological diagnoses -- *location: 2,088* --- It was as if I learned not to love anything too much, because if I truly loved something, it could be taken away from me. It wasn’t just a feeling of loss and abandonment; it was a fear that without a certain person I would not survive. So I made myself a shell that no one could get into. I made myself into a person who not only didn’t know her own needs but didn’t have any -- *location: 2,108* --- The wounded inner child carries all of these compulsions into adulthood. We carry this powerlessness, hoping that others will change our circumstances and make us happy, externalizing quick fixes and daydreaming of alternate realities. We seek approval from others so that we will feel good about ourselves. We choose the quick fix—drugs, alcohol, sex—to feel pleasure in the moment that will dull our pain. Our real long-term goal is to find that security inside ourselves. Our work is to internalize the feeling of being good enough—a state of okayness that is not reliant on others. How can we begin to get to that place? This is the question at the heart of our inner child work -- *location: 2,177* --- It’s important to acknowledge that even though your inner child is there, it is only a part of you. It is not your essential, intuitive Self -- *location: 2,196* --- At the mere sight of a pile of used silverware or dirty pots and pans in the sink, I’d basically lose it. I’m talking blind rage. In the past, I sometimes became so reactive that I’d have a tantrum—slamming my hands on the countertop, yelling, stomping my foot. A full-body stress reaction would follow: my vagus nerve would activate my nervous system stress response, sending fight/flight/freeze messages to my body. Physiologically, I’d react as though a bear had just jumped on me in the woods, thrashing around to “save” myself from the attack of the dirty dishes -- *location: 2,298* --- It’s only now, looking back, that I know that those dishes in the sink communicated a narrative: *My partner doesn’t consider me.* Remember, this is one of my core beliefs about myself (*I’m not considered*) that came from my childhood. This, my friends, is an ego story -- *location: 2,311* --- The ego, the great protector of the inner child, is the “I” identity. Anything that follows the word “I” is an extension of the ego: I’m smart. I’m boring. I’m sexy. I’m frumpy. I’m good. I’m bad. The ego is our sense of self, our personal identity, our self-worth. The ego is a master storyteller (*When my partner leaves dirty dishes in the sink, it means I’m not considered*), creating and maintaining narratives about who we believe we are. The ego itself is not good or bad; it just is -- *location: 2,314* --- The ego, in an attempt to make sure you’re never hurt again, puts up barriers—because in every opportunity for positive change, there is also the chance of the pain of failure -- *location: 2,346* --- Our ego works overtime to defend its perception of who we are. To do this, it denies or represses emotions that we feel are bad or wrong in order to be good or desirable and receive as much love as possible. These bad or wrong parts of us are sometimes referred to as “the shadow self” -- *location: 2,364* --- The more we deny parts of our shadow self, the more shame we feel and the more disconnected we become from our intuition -- *location: 2,371* --- This is why judging others is so addictive; it relieves us from the ego’s internal struggle with shame. When we identify the faults of others, we can ignore our own and even convince ourselves that we are superior -- *location: 2,383* --- Now that we’ve learned about the role of the ego, it’s time to start the process of doing ego work. The goal of this work is to become aware and conscious, instead of deferring to our ego’s reaction of our world. The work begins with simply witnessing. When we exist on autopilot, our ego holds the reins, so actively engaging the conscious mind helps loosen our ego’s hold on our daily existence. Once we become aware and conscious, we can view our ego’s thought patterns and fears and try to view its tantrums and defenses without judgment. Our ego’s defensiveness and vulnerability are similar to those of our inner child: Both need to be seen and heard without judgment. Our ego needs space to settle. It needs room to relax and soften -- *location: 2,386* --- This may sound silly, but naming your ego is a powerful act of separating from it. Once we can view it and name it, we can disentangle our intuitive Self from the ego reaction—or at least get one step closer to accomplishing this -- *location: 2,412* --- Our shadow self consists of all the unsavory parts of ourselves, about our relationships, our past, and our parent-figures that we are ashamed of and try to deny. Our ego spends a lot of time fighting battles to obscure our ability to see this shadow. As you learn how to question your ego, some of these parts of yourself will become apparent—often through your judgments of and projections onto others -- *location: 2,442* --- The ultimate goal, really the final step in your ego work, is to cultivate empowerment consciousness, or an understanding and acceptance of your ego. Through practice, this state of consciousness will create a space of awareness that will allow you to make choices beyond knee-jerk ego reactivity. These consistent new choices will pave the path toward your future transformations. Contrary to popular belief, your goal is not “ego death.” Your ego will always be with you, even when you feel you’ve mastered it (which is in and of itself an ego statement!). In fact, it will often show up and surprise you when you least expect it to -- *location: 2,485* --- In the 1980s, researchers Dr. Cindy Hazan and Dr. Phillip Shaver applied attachment theory to romantic partners, employing a “love quiz” to assess how secure the study participants’ relationships were in adulthood compared to those they experienced in infancy. The results of their research confirmed what many in the psychological community had long suspected: early-infant/childhood attachment provides the basis for romantic relationships in adulthood -- *location: 2,568* --- In adulthood, we may find ourselves overriding our own needs in relationships and consistently allowing our limits to be crossed. Over time this denial of need can morph into anger or resentment—a concept known as contempt and shown in extensive studies by renowned couples therapist Dr. John Gottman to be a known relationship killer. We feel resentment and wonder “Why do people take advantage of me?” or “Why don’t people appreciate me?” which is a normal response to boundary violations -- *location: 2,683* --- For a relationship to thrive, it can’t be used as a means to fill the voids or wounds caused by a parent-figure. A healthy relationship provides space for mutual evolution. This is the essence of authentic love, when two people allow each other the freedom and support to be fully seen, heard, and Self expressed. Authentic love doesn’t feel like an emotional roller coaster; it feels like peace and an inner knowing that you are both choosing to show up from a place of mutual respect and admiration. Authentic love feels safe. It’s rooted in the awareness that the other person is not property, not something to be owned, and that your partner is not your parent-figure, not someone who can fix or heal you -- *location: 2,772* --- The boundary is not for others, it’s for you. It is not an ultimatum to make another person behave a certain way. An ultimatum is a statement that assigns a consequence to someone else’s behavior as a means of trying to effect a change in it. A boundary, rather, is a personal limit that is expressed so that your need will directly be met. It is an action we take for ourselves regardless of how the other person reacts. That the other person may change in some way is a secondary gain. An important aspect of setting boundaries is allowing others to have their own limits and boundaries and respecting and honoring theirs while you maintain your own -- *location: 2,944* --- When our needs aren’t being met or are being actively infringed upon, we cannot point a finger at another person and say, “You have to change.” A better question to ask is: What do I need to do to make sure that my needs are better met? -- *location: 2,949* --- Another common outcome of mental/emotional and resource boundarylessness is emotional dumping, the spilling of emotional issues onto a person without being empathetic to their emotional state -- *location: 3,000* --- Emotional dumping, by contrast, involves the airing of negative, circular, and obsessive thoughts. People who are prone to emotional dumping are often caught in the loop of emotional addiction; their heightened emotional state reinforces the behavior, even when it is not reinforced by those around them -- *location: 3,003* --- Emotional dumping is a coping skill born of boundarylessness on both sides: the emotional dumper has loose mental/emotional boundaries, and the people on the receiving end (if they find themselves in this situation regularly) also don’t have sufficient boundaries to end it -- *location: 3,007* --- Boundaries keep us connected to our intuitive voice. (That tightness in your chest is a big clue!) It is important to tune in to how you feel to use boundaries. Remember we are not in the thinking mind when we’re witnessing how we feel; instead, we are noticing how something or someone registers in our body. Once you start noticing your bodily sensations, assess where your current boundaries are lacking. What do you need to shift or change to make you feel safe and secure in your relationships? This assessment is for you. If you come from patterns of enmeshment there will be a pull to imagine the effect on the other person (*How will Janet feel if I cancel our plans?*). The goal is to reclaim your own energy and ask what will make you feel happier, safer, and more comfortable -- *location: 3,025* --- To help you get started, I’ve included an example of a boundary-setting template that can be adapted to fit your needs: “I am making some changes so that [insert your intention for your new boundary] and hope you can understand that this is important to me. I imagine [insert your understanding of their behavior]. When you [insert problematic behavior], I often feel [insert your feelings], and I understand that is something you may not be aware of. In the future, [insert what you would or would not like to happen again]. If [insert original problematic behavior] happens again, I will [insert how you will respond differently to meet your own needs].” -- *location: 3,050* --- Keep in mind that timing is key. It is helpful to communicate a boundary at a time when both parties are as emotionally settled as possible -- *location: 3,056* --- Like psychotherapist Lindsay Gibson wrote in one of my favorite books on the subject, *Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents*, understanding your parent-figures’ level of emotional maturity (or lack thereof) “frees us from emotional loneliness as we realize that their negativity wasn’t about us, but about them.” -- *location: 3,301* --- The way we move forward is to have the awareness that we can become the wise parent to ourselves that we did not have as a child. This is a process called reparenting, and it enables you to relearn how to meet the unmet needs of your inner child through daily, dedicated, and conscious action -- *location: 3,310* --- Concepts similar to reparenting have existed in the psychodynamic field for decades. They have emerged from the mainstream therapy model that a secure relationship with a therapist can provide a grounding for healthier relationships in life. Psychoanalysis is built upon this framework with the concept of transference, or the “transfer” of feelings from our childhood onto a therapist, being an integral part of the therapeutic process -- *location: 3,313* --- The reparenting process looks different for everyone. Generally, we want to quiet our inner critic and embrace self-respect and compassion. With the help of the wise inner parent, you can learn how to validate your reality and feelings by witnessing them, rather than instinctually judging or ignoring them. Your wise inner parent cultivates acceptance while honoring the needs of your inner child—to be seen, heard, and valued for the authentic parts of yourself. You become the priority -- *location: 3,323* --- To develop your wise inner parent, you will want to learn how to trust yourself (maybe for the first time in your life). You can begin to rebuild this lost trust by setting small promises to yourself to engage in daily acts of self-care, and following through with those intentions -- *location: 3,327* --- The first pillar of reparenting is emotional regulation, or the skill to successfully navigate our emotional states. Emotional regulation is our ability to cope with stress in a flexible, tolerant, and adaptive way -- *location: 3,334* --- The ways we can regulate our emotions are all practices you are likely well versed in by now: deep belly breathing to regulate our stress response, nonjudgmentally witnessing changes in our body’s sensations, and noticing patterns in our ego-based narratives that are connected to those emotional activations -- *location: 3,337* --- The second pillar is loving discipline. This pillar involves creating boundaries with ourselves that are maintained over time. We do this by making and keeping small promises and developing daily routines and habits -- *location: 3,342* --- We have chosen to make a new habit, and by proving to ourselves that we are worth showing up for, we build a sense of inner reliability and resilience. This instills a deep sense of confidence that touches other aspects of our lives. The act of loving discipline cultivates routine with compassion and flexibility -- *location: 3,345* --- If we’ve developed confidence over time, we know that we can take a break and the ritual will always be there to return to when we so choose. We will not fall apart if we take a day to rest -- *location: 3,358* --- The third pillar goes hand in hand with loving discipline: self-care -- *location: 3,360* --- Self-care is the act of learning to identify and care for your physical and emotional wants and needs, especially those that were denied in childhood -- *location: 3,362* --- The fourth pillar, one of the ultimate goals of the work, is to rediscover our childlike sense of wonder. This state is made up of a combination of creativity and imagination, joy and spontaneity, and, of course, playfulness -- *location: 3,368* --- If you’re going in with the expectation that your parent-figures will apologize, validate your feelings, or affirm your experience, I would suggest holding off on having this conversation until you feel more tolerant of the uncertainty of the outcome. Your inner healing is the priority -- *location: 3,408* --- One day, while working on this book, I took a walk to clear my head. As I ambled along the beach in my new neighborhood, taking in the sensations of the world around me, I started practicing kind messages of support and love: What can I do for myself in this moment? Just as that question crossed my mind, the Mumford & Sons song “There Will Be Time” came on in my earbuds. I turned up the volume, swallowed up by the percussive beat, the swell of the keyboards, and the mingling of the vocal harmonies. *So open up my eyes to a new light . . . And indeed there would be time.* Their words were prophetic. I stood there seeing finally with the open eyes of consciousness, learning how to connect to my innermost wants and needs, and for the first time truly trusting in the infinite possibilities of the choices we are gifted in any given moment of time -- *location: 3,457* --- Before long, I was raising my hands up to the sky and jumping around. I was dancing. Full on. For anyone and everyone to see -- *location: 3,470* --- Dancing on the beach was my radical act of self-acceptance, an intrinsic step forward in my healing journey -- *location: 3,473* --- The psychotherapist Lindsay Gibson described emotional immaturity (with a focus on parenting) as the “lack of emotional responsiveness necessary to meet children’s emotional needs.” The outcome for children of emotionally immature parent-figures is loneliness, which is “a vague and private experience . . . you might call it a feeling of emptiness or being alone in the world” -- *location: 3,527* --- Emotional maturity allows us to accept all of our emotions, even the uglier ones we don’t want to admit we harbor. The fundamental aspect of emotional maturity is the ability to be aware of and regulate our emotions in order to allow others to express themselves. Or simply the ability to tolerate all of our emotions without losing control, which is at the core of all the work we are doing -- *location: 3,565* --- Believe it or not, there is a “ninety-second rule” of emotions: as physiological events, they last for only a minute and a half. Then they come to an end. Our body wants to return to homeostasis. When stress occurs, our body’s cortisol spikes and our internal anxiety circuit is activated, and when the stress is perceived to be handled, a countering system will bring our body back into balance. This, of course, can happen only if our mind doesn’t get in the way -- *location: 3,568* --- As I began to reconnect more and more with my body, learning the variations among feelings, I discovered the difference between stress and excitement. Anytime I felt activated, I thought that I was experiencing stress and would shut down or lose control. As I started to witness myself, I found that I often confused excitement for stress. Now when I feel the instinctual pull to label what I’m feeling as anxiety, I can take a second, look at it from a different angle, and, when applicable, reframe it into something a bit more helpful, such as excitement, when appropriate -- *location: 3,581* --- When we resist the habit of creating a story about where our emotions came from, we shorten our body’s often prolonged physiological reactions. In doing so, we can come to experience the truth that they will pass -- *location: 3,588* --- Soothing is the preferred way to deal with discomfort -- *location: 3,599* --- As adults, many of us greatly benefit when we update the ways we attend to our emotional needs with the new information from our lives now. Instead of instinctually falling back into the coping strategies of our childhood, proactive soothing methods involve making a conscious choice. Soothing occurs when we act with agency and proactivity, meeting a problem head-on, which often feels very satisfying. After you’ve named and nonjudgmentally labeled your emotions, you will want to find a way to neutralize your reactions -- *location: 3,600* --- The less obviously satisfying and arguably equally important coping strategy is to increase our ability to tolerate distress. We never want to feel that we are dependent on one thing to soothe us (like an adult version of a pacifier) -- *location: 3,612* --- Emotional maturity is not a goal to check off a list, like reaching the next level in a video game (now you’re a fully realized human, you win!). It’s not a magical state. The underlying message is not one of a state of enlightened beingness—it’s one of work and self-forgiveness that will ultimately lead us to a greater togetherness -- *location: 3,713* --- When you feel ready, turn your attention to your physical body and all of the present sensations. Starting at the top of your head, scan your body, noticing if you feel tension, tightness, warmth, tingling, or lightness anywhere. Spend a moment or two on your head, neck, and shoulders, then move downward, noticing any and all sensations present in your arms and hands. Move a bit lower, noticing your chest area and stomach. Travel down your upper and lower legs, and end with your feet and toes. [Again, spend as much time as is comfortable on this body scan.] -- *location: 3,732* **Note:** Body connection meditation --- The work so far has been leading us up to this moment, to the ability to embody oneness, taking us back, back, back to a state of pure awareness and connectedness with all that is. We are literally transforming our mind and body and returning to our purest soul expression. We find the divine in ourselves, which extends to the world around us -- *location: 3,821* --- Interdependence, a two-way state of authentic connection, is the act of being separate together. Only when I am a unified whole will I be able to connect authentically with others in ways that serve both of our spiritual, emotional, and physical needs -- *location: 3,869* --- In the words of Chief Black Elk of the Oglala Sioux Nation, “The first peace, which is most important, is that which comes from the souls of people when they realize their relationship, their Oneness, with the universe and all its powers, and when they realize that at the center of the universe dwells the Great Spirit, and that this center is really everywhere, it is within each of us” -- *location: 3,950* --- Once you peel back the window dressings of your ego and connect to the purest, most authentic part of yourself, once you reach out to your community in an open state of open receptiveness—awakenings will come. It is in these moments that true enlightenment and healing are possible. As you heal yourself, you heal the world around you -- *location: 3,957* --- A DAY IN THE LIFE OF DOING THE WORK **BALANCE YOUR BODY:** Explore your body’s physical needs by answering these questions: Which foods help your body feel good, and which make your body feel not its best? How much sleep (and at what times) helps your body feel more restored? How much movement (and when) helps your body release stored emotions? Balance your nervous system by engaging in daily polyvagal work (such as breathwork, meditation, or yoga). **BALANCE YOUR MIND:** Build in more moments of consciousness and self-witnessing daily. Identify your ego stories and shadow self, noticing how your self-narrative drives many emotional reactions and coping behaviors. Cultivate a daily relationship with your inner child and begin to reparent yourself, cultivating your wise inner parent to help you identify and meet your unique physical, emotional, and spiritual needs. **RECONNECT WITH YOUR SOUL:** Explore and reconnect with your deepest wants and passions. Practice expressing your authentic Self in all areas of your life -- *location: 3,990* --- This is what this work is all about: the empowerment of being able to choose. We can choose how we treat our body, how we show up in relationships, how we create our realities and envision our futures. Whatever path you take, as long as you’ve consciously chosen it and trust yourself in the process, whatever the outcomes, you will be ready. There are no road maps, no directions, no gurus, no sages. There are no checklists that will fix you or magical pills that will cure you -- *location: 4,055* --- The idea of harnessing the power of the body to help heal the mind was dismissed as antiscience. Or, worse, New Age nonsense. — *location: 382* ^ref-57368 >"not even wrong" --- Picture a lemon. See its glossy yellow skin. Hold it in your hands. Feel its ridges. Put it to your nose; imagine the clean scent hitting your nostrils. Now imagine slicing a wedge from the lemon. Watch the juice jump out as you cut through the flesh. See the oval pits. Now put that lemon wedge to your mouth. Your lips may sting on contact. Taste the acidity, the cool citrus, the freshness. Does your mouth pucker or fill up with saliva? The mere thought of a lemon can provoke an entire sensory response. You’ve just experienced the mind-body connection without putting down this book. — *location: 339* ^ref-51557 --- In the seventeenth century, the concept of “mind-body dualism,”4,5 a literal disconnection between the mind and body, was birthed by the French philosopher René Descartes. This dichotomy persists four hundred years later. — *location: 351* ^ref-3099 --- Today the focus of psychiatry has become overwhelmingly biological. You’re much more likely to be asked about a family history of mental illness and be given a prescription for antidepressants than to be asked about childhood trauma or given guidance about your nutrition and lifestyle. The field has fully embraced the protocol of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5), — *location: 362* ^ref-17024 --- By assigning a genetic cause, we naturally imagine our sickness to be part of who we are. When we become a diagnosis, it decreases incentive to change or try to explore root causes. We identify with the label. This is who I am. — *location: 366* ^ref-23264 --- Since the turn of the twentieth century we’ve believed in genetic causes of diagnoses— a theory called genetic determinism. Under this model, our genes (and subsequent health) are determined at birth. — *location: 368* ^ref-21281 --- We do have a genetic code at birth. But gene expression and repression are influenced by our environment. In other words: our life experiences alter us at the cellular level. — *location: 396* ^ref-44012 --- The science of epigenetics7 has shifted us away from the disease management model to a new paradigm that recognizes the impact of our daily environment on our health. — *location: 398* ^ref-21592 --- In another documented case of the nocebo effect from 2007,20 a twenty-six-year-old man who was participating in a clinical trial on antidepressants was rushed to the hospital after an attempted overdose. On the heels of a fight with his girlfriend, he took twenty-nine of the pills that he’d been prescribed for the study. When he arrived at the hospital, his blood pressure dropped to dangerously low, near-death levels and he was sweating, shaking, and breathing rapidly. Once the doctors were able to stabilize him, they tested him and found no evidence of drugs in his system. When a doctor from the clinical trial arrived at the hospital, he realized that the young man had been in the placebo group, meaning that he had taken an inert, or nonactive, pill. He had, it seemed, overdosed on his own negative thoughts and wishes. — *location: 448* ^ref-26551 --- Being acknowledged is one of the deepest human needs. If your childhood thoughts or ideas are not “heard,” your mind feels dismissed. If your childhood Self-expression is not “seen,” your soul feels diminished. This lack of acknowledgment can also take the form of your future being spoken for or predetermined before your passions and life’s path can be fully known. Experiences such as these make it hard for us to learn how to trust our inclinations and follow our intuitive needs. — *location: 972* ^ref-40661 --- The gut is also home to an extensive network of nerve cells along the gut wall that make up what is known as the enteric nervous system (ENS). This is a meshlike system of nerve cells that is so complex that researchers often refer to it as our “second brain.” — *location: 1573* ^ref-35348 --- This subconscious filtering is the work of the reticular activating system (RAS), a bundle of nerves located on the brain stem that helps us sort out our environment, allowing us to concentrate on the things around us that we feel are essential. — *location: 1870* ^ref-19880 --- We have chosen to make a new habit, and by proving to ourselves that we are worth showing up for, we build a sense of inner reliability and resilience. This instills a deep sense of confidence that touches other aspects of our lives. The act of loving discipline cultivates routine with compassion and flexibility. — *location: 3345* ^ref-40907 --- If we’ve developed confidence over time, we know that we can take a break and the ritual will always be there to return to when we so choose. We will not fall apart if we take a day to rest. — *location: 3358* ^ref-53620 --- Believe it or not, there is a “ninety-second rule” of emotions:82 as physiological events, they last for only a minute and a half. Then they come to an end. Our body wants to return to homeostasis. When stress occurs, our body’s cortisol spikes and our internal anxiety circuit is activated, and when the stress is perceived to be handled, a countering system will bring our body back into balance. This, of course, can happen only if our mind doesn’t get in the way. — *location: 3568* ^ref-9250 --- This is what this work is all about: the empowerment of being able to choose. We can choose how we treat our body, how we show up in relationships, how we create our realities and envision our futures. Whatever path you take, as long as you’ve consciously chosen it and trust yourself in the process, whatever the outcomes, you will be ready. There are no road maps, no directions, no gurus, no sages. There are no checklists that will fix you or magical pills that will cure you. — *location: 4055* ^ref-16277 --- To truly actualize change, you have to engage in the work of making new choices every day. — *location: 254* ^ref-40904 --- We were the picture of middle-class normalcy and happiness—an all-American projection that clouded the reality. In fact, we were a sick family. My sister suffered from life-threateningly serious health issues as a child, and my mother struggled with her own phantom pains that confined her to bed for days. — *location: 267* ^ref-27469 --- My parents joked that I was their “Christ child.” I slept well, hardly caused issues, and more or less kept out of trouble. — *location: 273* ^ref-36312 --- I learned very early on to ease any burden of my existence by being as near to perfect as possible in all of the ways I knew I had excelled. — *location: 275* ^ref-33295 --- My mother was not particularly expressive with her emotions. We were not really a “touchy” family and physical touch was minimal. To my memory, “I love yous” in childhood were very inconsistent. — *location: 276* ^ref-45055 --- Overall, the family lived in a general state of emotional avoidance where anything unpleasant was merely ignored. — *location: 281* ^ref-33863 --- My mom, a wounded child herself, had never been shown the love she craved deeply. As a result, she was unable to express love to her own children, whom she did love deeply. — *location: 280* ^ref-28062 --- At various points in my postdoctoral work, I tried to incorporate outside elements into my psychology practice. I felt that mindfulness gave us tremendous opportunities for self-reflection and self-awareness. After conducting and publishing my own research on this topic,1 I tried to convince my doctoral adviser to let me study the practice of meditation and its effect on addictive behaviors for my dissertation project. I was denied. He didn’t believe that mindfulness had therapeutic value; he saw it as a fad, not something worthy of study. — *location: 323* ^ref-43586 --- Looking back now, I can see that a path was unfolding before me. My inner guide was showing me all that I needed to create a holistic model of healing. — *location: 327* ^ref-15323 --- Long out of school, I started to ask new questions: Why did so many of my clients suffer from digestive issues, ranging from irritable bowel syndrome (IBS) to constipation? Why were there such high rates of autoimmune diseases? And why did almost all of us feel panicky and unsafe almost all the time? — *location: 333* ^ref-36974 --- Unfortunately, Western medicine is constrained by the belief that the mind and body are separate entities—clinicians treat the mind (psychology or psychiatry) or the body (every other branch of medicine) and rarely incorporate treatment for both at the same time. This arbitrary separation of mind and body holds medicine back from its potential for healing and sometimes even makes us sicker in the process. Indigenous and Eastern cultures, on the other hand, have fully understood and honored the connections among the mind, body, and soul/spirit2—the sense of something higher than ourselves3—for thousands of years. — *location: 343* ^ref-30109 --- Emerging science tells us that the genes we inherit aren’t fixed; they are influenced by their environment, beginning in utero and continuing throughout our lives. The groundbreaking discovery of epigenetics tells a new story about our ability to change. — *location: 388* ^ref-60108 --- Addiction and trauma specialist Dr. Gabor Maté, for example, has written extensively about the deep imprints emotional stress leaves on the structure of the brain, causing many common physical and psychological illnesses. — *location: 405* ^ref-53252 --- The mind can create real, measurable changes in the body—and the placebo effect is mainstream science’s recognition of this fact. — *location: 429* ^ref-46253 --- But there is a flip side to this. It’s called the nocebo effect,16,17 and it’s the placebo effect’s “evil twin.” This occurs when our thoughts don’t make us better, they make us worse. — *location: 438* ^ref-19799 --- Running on autopilot is a function of our conditioning. Most of us are stuck in subconscious programming; in fact, some brain scans reveal that we operate only 5 percent of the day in a conscious state;22 the rest of the time, we are in subconscious autopilot. This means that we are making active choices during only a small sliver of our days and letting our subconscious run the show the rest of the time. — *location: 647* ^ref-46646 >Check this study --- When we do try to push ourselves out of our autopilot, we face resistance from our mind and body. This response has a name: the homeostatic impulse. The homeostatic impulse regulates our physiological functions from breathing to body temperature to heartbeat. And it all happens at the subconscious level, meaning that we do not actively initiate any of them; they are automatic. The goal of the homeostatic impulse is to create balance in the mind and body. When there’s dysregulation, the imbalances can be problematic and even self-betraying. — *location: 652* ^ref-27142 --- Because of these instinctually driven reactions, when we try to change our habits many of us remain trapped in cycles of disempowerment. Instead of understanding that this comes from an evolutionarily honed body response, we tend to shame ourselves. This shame is a misreading of our physiology. — *location: 665* ^ref-48431 --- Every time we make a choice that is outside of our default programming, our subconscious mind will attempt to pull us back to the familiar by creating mental resistance. Mental resistance can manifest as both mental and physical discomfort. It can take the form of cyclical thoughts, such as I can just do this later or I don’t need to do this at all, or physical symptoms, such as agitation, anxiety, or simply not feeling like “yourself.” This is your subconscious communicating to you that it is uncomfortable with the new territory of these proposed changes. — *location: 667* ^ref-22832 --- For many people, physical movement is useful in honing the attention muscle that is so key to consciousness. Yoga, which is considered a “top-down” practice (meaning that the brain sets the intentions that the body follows), can be an especially powerful means of helping the mind settle into the present moment by focusing our attention as we practice channeling our breath and challenging our body. — *location: 693* ^ref-21062 --- Instead of fixating on related negative thoughts—as studies show we do 70 percent of the time25—I want you to try to witness your body’s sensations when you’re feeling threatened. In other words: I want you to become conscious. Do you see yourself growing defensive, with tightened shoulders and jaw muscles, when you FaceTime with your mother? Do you withdraw, disconnecting from or becoming hyperaware of your body’s sensations, when you walk into an unfamiliar environment? Witness without judgment. Just observe. The path forward is to learn yourself. Learn how to spend time alone, to sit still, to really hear your intuition and witness your entire Self—even, and especially, the darkest parts you’d most like to keep hidden. — *location: 737* ^ref-26618 --- There is tremendous freedom in not believing every thought we have and understanding that we are the thinker of our thoughts, not the thoughts themselves. — *location: 743* ^ref-25799 --- Today I am practicing being conscious to myself and my daily patterns. I am grateful for an opportunity to create change in my life. Today, I am conscious and aware whenever I choose. Change in this area allows me to feel more aware of myself and my patterns. Today, I am practicing when I bring my attention back to the present moment. — *location: 778* ^ref-46057 >Daily journal prompt --- Dissociation is a very common stress response for those who are living with childhood trauma. Psychiatrist Pierre Janet, who coined the term, described it as a “splitting off” of the self.26 I describe it to my clients as the feeling of departing in a “spaceship,” a kind of metaphysical detachment of the self from the body. — *location: 805* ^ref-27143 --- Yet I had almost no memories from childhood. The milestones that typically make up a person’s existence—first kiss, prom, holidays—all of those were blank for me. — *location: 835* ^ref-32475 --- I should add that I did remember emotions—I still had “feeling memories” or impressions of the past, I just didn’t connect those feelings with concrete experiences. I can feel what it was like to lie in bed at age six and cycle through the list of ways that my world could shatter: my parents could die, someone could break into the house, we could all die in a fire, the list went on and on. This anxiety state is a feeling memory and an expression of my family’s fear-driven refrain, “It’s always something.” — *location: 842* ^ref-42025 --- Unlike the rest of my family, though, who struggled to cope with living in such a highly fearful state, I never appeared overwhelmed. They called me the aloof one, the laid-back, chill child who was easy and go-with-the-flow. It appeared like nothing ever bothered me. That aloofness was a coping strategy, my mind’s protection from the stress: I would detach, distance myself, get into my “spaceship.” I was so disengaged from myself, so far away on that spaceship, that ultimately I stored very few memories from my childhood and retained barely any recollections from my twenties. Just because my mind wasn’t present to what was unfolding around me doesn’t mean that my body doesn’t remember. — *location: 847* ^ref-9779 --- Dr. Bessel van der Kolk, a trauma expert and the author of the ground-breaking book The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma, describes dissociation as a process of “simultaneously knowing and not knowing” and says that traumatized people who disengage “simultaneously remember too little and too much.”29 — *location: 853* ^ref-32877 --- Though their histories differed drastically, the dynamics followed a similar script. Many were functional perfectionists, overachievers, or addicted to different substances or behaviors. There was a lot of anxiety, depression, lack of confidence, low self-worth, and an obsession with being viewed a certain way. There were problematic relationship patterns. And of course, there was the “stuckness,” the inability to move forward from patterns of behavior that seemed ingrained. The patterns were telling a story—one that would shed light onto how pervasive trauma in childhood truly is. — *location: 867* ^ref-15903 --- I believe that our understanding of trauma should be widened to include a diverse range of overwhelming experiences or, as the neurologist Robert Scaer defined it, any negative life event “that occurs in a state of relative helplessness.”30 — *location: 873* ^ref-1312 --- Trauma occurred when we consistently betrayed ourselves for love, were consistently treated in a way that made us feel unworthy or unacceptable resulting in a severed connection to our authentic Self. Trauma creates the fundamental belief that we must betray who we are in order to survive. — *location: 885* ^ref-61099 --- A parent-figure’s role is to be a guide. A loving parental relationship provides a secure base for a child to return to as they venture out into life, with all the ups and downs associated with this great transition. A guide is largely nonjudgmental, allowing the child to exist as they are. A guide is more likely to observe and act from a state of awareness and wisdom. This allows the child to experience the natural consequences of their actions without intervention and laying the foundation for them to build self-trust. Think of the guide as a wise teacher, someone who has faith in the foundation they have provided and trusts that the student will be able to weather what life brings. The child then internalizes this faith. This doesn’t mean that the child avoids pain, loss, anger, or grief—the wide array of human feelings—instead, the guide or parent-figure has provided a base of security and resilience for the child to return to when hard times come. If parent-figures have not healed or even recognized their unresolved traumas, they cannot consciously navigate their own path in life, let alone act as trustworthy guides for someone else. It’s very common for parent-figures to project their own unresolved traumas onto their children. When even well-meaning parent-figures react under the influence of their own unconscious wounds they, instead of offering guidance, may attempt to control, micromanage, or coerce a child to follow their will. Some of these attempts may be well intentioned. Parent-figures may consciously or unconsciously want to keep the child safe and protected from the world so that the child will not experience the pain that they, themselves, have. In the process, they may negate the child’s wants and needs. Even when this can seem intentional, these reactions often stem from their own deep-rooted pain, which may not be visible on the surface. — *location: 888* ^ref-63383 --- According to Lindsay Gibson, a psychotherapist and the author of Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents, this lack of emotional connection in childhood leaves “a gaping hole where true security might have been. The loneliness of feeling unseen by others is as fundamental a pain as physical injury.”31 — *location: 903* ^ref-52995 --- Just as you learn how to witness yourself consciously, the work is to consciously observe your loved ones and your bonds to them. — *location: 917* ^ref-39808 --- As you dive deeper into this work, it is important to keep in mind that sometimes old scars will be opened and an outpouring of feelings will come with the process of healing wounds from childhood. Just remember: this, too, can be a moment of witnessing. Begin to practice being kind to yourself and your loved ones, regardless of what comes up. How a parent-figure treated you as a child is not a reflection of who you are. Or even who they are. You do not need to be a reflection of their unprocessed trauma. — *location: 929* ^ref-27647 --- When a parent-figure denies a child’s reality, they are unconsciously teaching the child to reject their intuition, their “gut feeling.” The more we learn to distrust ourselves, the deeper this intuitive voice withdraws, becoming harder and harder to hear. This results in lost intuition and internal conflict. We learn that our judgment cannot be trusted and look to others to shape our reality. — *location: 940* ^ref-37333 --- Parent-figures who live out their lives through their children carry a deep-seated, painful belief that they are a “failure” or in some way inadequate, and often project this core belief onto their children. — *location: 985* ^ref-43919 --- Ultimately, trying to establish one’s own validity through the successes of another leads to disappointment on the parent-figure’s side. It also leads to resentment on the part of the child who neglected their own needs to fulfill another’s unmet needs. — *location: 989* ^ref-25448 --- This loss of Self can manifest in a number of ways in adulthood, and I’ve seen it play out most often as either severe indecisiveness and procrastination or as an obsessive need to succeed. — *location: 992* ^ref-60190 --- This was the trauma of my childhood fully realized. I was so unworthy, so unlovable. I didn’t exist. It was almost a relief to become the physical manifestation of what I so feared. It was what I was training for my whole life. It was my “spaceship” in action. — *location: 1065* ^ref-62186 --- Adaptive coping is an action we take to help us return to feelings of safety, such as facing a problem head-on or redirecting negative thoughts. The key here is being active; adaptive coping requires effort and a conscious acknowledgment of the discomfort. It can be harder to use an adaptive coping strategy when we were not modeled them or taught how to use them. Maladaptive coping strategies, often learned from our parent-figures, give us a brief distraction or reprieve from the discomfort (say, by drinking alcohol at a wedding, as I did) or avoiding any emotional reaction (as I also did when I dissociated). Either of these attempts at relieving our distress, however, ends up in more disconnection from the authentic Self. — *location: 1082* ^ref-56804 --- As an adaptive response, we can develop coping strategies to help return us to our psychological and physiological baseline: seeking supportive resources, learning how to self-soothe, and assisting our often stuck nervous systems to return to homeostasis. This process of leaving and then returning to our baseline of balance is called allostasis. It allows us to develop the biological capacity for resilience. — *location: 1223* ^ref-13620 --- Stress also activates the body’s immune system, prompting it to become hypervigilant and primed to react at the mere suspicion of trouble. Our immune system learns from our behavior and habits beginning from when we are in utero and continuing throughout our lives. Once our immune system gets the signal that we’re living in a near-constant threat state, it repeatedly sends out chemicals that cause inflammation throughout the body. These chemicals act as a kind of fire starter for a wide array of symptoms of imbalance and dysfunction, increasing our risk of developing autoimmune diseases, chronic pain, and other diseases ranging from heart disease to cancer.37 — *location: 1234* ^ref-43543 --- Stress affects every system of the body, including the gut—it’s no coincidence that gastrointestinal (GI) problems are one of the issues most commonly cited by people dealing with anxiety. When we’re stressed or frightened or anxious, our body has trouble digesting food and can either hold on to it for too long—resulting in constipation—or release it too quickly—resulting in irritable bowel syndrome (IBS) or diarrhea. Stress affects our food choices and the makeup of the microbiome in our gut, which is constantly communicating with our brain (something we will discuss in detail in chapter 5). In these cases, your body is denied essential nutrients—either because it isn’t breaking down the food you eat fast enough or it’s discharging it before it begins to process it. Without a well-functioning digestive system, we become sicker in all areas of our body. — *location: 1253* ^ref-15289 --- The term polyvagal refers to the vagus nerve, which connects the brain and the gut. The vagus nerve has many branches of sensory fibers that run throughout the rest of the body—from the brain stem to the heart, lungs, genitals, you name it—connecting every major organ to the brain. The location and function of these nerves help us understand why the body reacts so swiftly when we’re stressed: why our hearts race when we run into an ex; why feelings of panic make us feel short of breath; and why I started fainting (or losing consciousness) out of the blue. — *location: 1281* ^ref-34149 --- The autonomic nervous system is all about properly allocating our body’s resources. It constantly scans our environment for cues: Should I be careful here? Is this a dangerous situation? Is this person a friend or foe? Am I properly hydrated and fed to deal with any threats? The autonomic system uses something called neuroception—a “sixth sense” that operates outside our conscious awareness—to assess our environment and put people, places, and things into one of two boxes: safe or unsafe. — *location: 1291* ^ref-1061 --- When the autonomic nervous system deems a situation safe, our vagus nerve tells our body to relax. This is when our parasympathetic nervous system, something called the “rest and digest” system, kicks in. The vagus nerve sends signals to the heart to slow down. Our digestion hums away happily, properly dispensing nutrients to our body. Our lungs inflate and take in more oxygen. In this calm state, we enter what is called social engagement mode, where we are primed to feel safe, secure, and able to connect easily with others. — *location: 1294* ^ref-610 --- When we are in this receptive, parasympathetic state, our resources are allocated to higher executive functions in the brain, such as planning for the future, self-motivation, problem solving, and emotional regulation. Now that we’re not consumed with survival, we are free to be our authentic selves. This is a state of play, joy, compassion, and love. I call this the “learning brain”—it is flexible, open, calm, peaceful, and curious, all key states for achieving milestones in neurological and behavioral development in childhood. We are more likely to make mistakes and learn from them. We are more likely to get up when we fall. — *location: 1302* ^ref-1353 --- When we are in social engagement mode, we even look more engaging and friendly. Our smiles seem more authentic (the vagus nerve connects to the muscles of the face), and our voices sound melodic and friendly (the vagus nerve also connects to our larynx, or voice box). Our hearing improves, as the vagus nerve connects to muscles in the middle ear, which open up so that we’re better able to hear calm human voices. Even our saliva glands are activated, greasing the wheels of our most potent instrument for connecting with the world around us: our mouth. — *location: 1298* ^ref-5940 --- Our vagus nerve has two pathways. Social activation and engagement mode are on one pathway. This pathway is myelinated, meaning that it’s sheathed with a layer of fat to make it engage quicker and shut off faster. The second pathway is unmyelinated and therefore less reactive and slower to shut off and more primitive. In fact, we share this pathway not with our ape ancestors but with reptiles. — *location: 1330* ^ref-54637 --- When the second pathway is activated, we become immobilized. Our whole body shuts down. Our heart rate and metabolism slow to a crawl. Our bowels either release completely or clench up and hold. Our breathing may stop. We may pass out. This happens when our body feels that there is no hope for survival. Justin Sunseri, a polyvagal-informed therapist, describes immobilization mode beautifully: “If you see a bear, your mobilization mode may be activated, as your body primes you to either run or flee. But if the bear is already on top of you, your body might just give up and play dead.” This is dissociation mode. People who enter this mode leave their bodies psychologically. Many, like me, may appear present, interacting with others, though mentally be far off on their own “spaceship.” Some detach so completely that they view the event as a dream. Others develop amnesia. Whatever the degree of dissociation, this evolutionarily programmed trauma response explains why many of us have so little memory of past experiences—if we were never truly present when events occurred, we have no event memory to return to. It also explains how hard it is to disengage from this detached state and return to the present moment. The unmyelinated nerve makes it almost impossible to recover quickly once you’ve entered this mode. — *location: 1333* ^ref-46417 --- So many of my clients, friends, and members of my online SelfHealers community have come to me with interpersonal issues that reflect disconnection: I just can’t seem to connect with anyone. I want friends, but I can’t seem to cultivate any emotional depth. No one knows the real me. I can’t find love. Once I dove into the polyvagal literature, I realized that the inability to form true intimacy with others is usually not about some defect in personality but a product of our vagal tone, a measure of our nervous system’s response to our environment. When we have poor vagal tone, we have higher sensitivity to perceived threats in our environment, which overactivates the body’s stress response and leads to reduced emotional and attentional regulation overall. — *location: 1344* ^ref-20662 --- When we feel safe, it is reflected in our eyes, our voice, and our body language. We are fully present, and there is a lightness and ease in our manner. This sense of safety is passed on to others in a process called co-regulation. When others are reassured that you are not a threat, they, too, will feel safe and enter the same social activation mode that sets them at ease. — *location: 1369* ^ref-50409 --- If a parent-figure provides a chaotic, stressful environment, the child will internalize that state and generalize: My parents feel threatened. I am threatened because they are not attuned to my needs. The world is a threatening place. This “survival brain” (as opposed to the social engagement’s “learning brain”) is hyperfocused on perceived threats, thinks about things in hard-and-fast black and white, and is often circular, obsessive, and panic driven. We are very fearful about making mistakes. We thrash around, break down, or shut down when we fail. — *location: 1381* ^ref-5756 --- Thanks to epigenetics, we know that our genes are not fixed; thanks to neuroplasticity, we know that the brain can form new pathways; thanks to the conscious mind, we know the power of our thoughts to effect change; thanks to polyvagal theory, we know that the nervous system affects all other systems of the body. — *location: 1501* ^ref-51928 --- We have around 500 million neurons in our gut, which can “talk” directly with the brain via a pathway known as the gut-brain axis, one of the most studied examples of the mind-body connection. The gut-brain axis is the highway that enables the exchange of a range of information, including how hungry we are, what kind of nutrients we need, how quickly food is passing through our stomach, and even when the muscles in our esophagus contract. Our friend the vagus nerve is one of the key messengers that facilitate the sending of these signals back and forth between our gut and brain. — *location: 1569* ^ref-2403 --- In fact, 90 percent of the neurotransmitter serotonin, commonly referred to as “the happy hormone” (though it is also involved in sleep, memory, and learning), is made in our gut. — *location: 1580* ^ref-30481 --- Studies have shown a link between daily breathwork practices and increased longevity.56 The theory is that by managing our stress response, we decrease our inflammatory response and stimulate hormones that maintain the parts of chromosomes (called telomeres) that are associated with longer life. — *location: 1672* ^ref-27634 --- According to James Nestor, the author of Breath: The New Science of a Lost Art, a two-decade-long research study of 5,200 people showed that “the greatest indicator of life span wasn’t genetics, diet, or the amount of daily exercise, as many had suspected. It was lung capacity. . . . [L]arger lungs equaled longer lives. Because big lungs allow us to get more air in with fewer breaths.”57 — *location: 1674* ^ref-42420 --- Core beliefs are the many stories about ourselves, our relationships, our past, our future, and the innumerable other topics we construct based on our lived experiences. — *location: 1811* ^ref-8240 --- One of my deepest narratives, one that ran the show for years without my knowledge, became clear to me once I started doing the work of becoming conscious and witnessing my internal world. That story is: I am not considered. — *location: 1812* ^ref-26914 --- It was my mother at the window all over again: This person doesn’t consider me, yet I need this person to live. — *location: 1840* ^ref-60118 --- A belief is a practiced thought grounded in lived experience. Beliefs are built up over years of thought patterns and require both interior and exterior validation to thrive. Beliefs about ourselves (our personality, our weaknesses, our past, our future) are filters that are placed over the lens of how we view our world. The more we practice certain thoughts, the more our brain wires itself to default to these thought patterns. — *location: 1845* ^ref-47267 --- When a belief is repeatedly validated, it can become what is called a core belief. Core beliefs are our deepest perceptions about our identity; they were installed in our subconscious often before the age of seven. These are the stories of who I am—I’m smart, I’m personable, I’m outgoing, I’m introverted, I’m not good at math, I’m a night owl, I’m a loner—that provide the framework of our “personality.” — *location: 1853* ^ref-11150 --- Once a core belief is formed, you engage in what’s called a confirmation of bias; information that does not conform to your beliefs is discarded or ignored in favor of information that does. — *location: 1859* ^ref-15410 --- Just as we learned in chapter 2 that we are not our thoughts, we are also not our core beliefs. This is often harder to accept, as our core beliefs are so ingrained, such a part of our identities, that they are hard to part with. The more you learn about the childhood brain and how these core beliefs are formed, the better able you will be, over time, to witness and become aware of them—and ultimately actively choose which ones you want to retain and which to leave behind. — *location: 1885* ^ref-40084 --- In egocentrism, the belief is that everything is happening to us because of us. As a result of our brain’s development, we are literally unable to view the world from another’s perspective, even when the “other” is our parent-figure, sibling, or other close relative. As children, when any of our physical, emotional, or spiritual needs are consistently unmet, we inaccurately assume responsibility for this neglect, often internalizing false beliefs (No one is helping me because I’m bad) and then generalizing them more broadly (The world is a bad place). — *location: 1934* ^ref-65147 --- Spiritually, our individual souls have three basic needs: To be seen To be heard To uniquely express our most authentic Selves — *location: 1947* ^ref-14645 --- A parent-figure who is feeling overwhelmed by and uncomfortable with their own emotions, when seeing their child distressed, might say “You’re too sensitive.” The child, whose main objective is to receive love, will suppress or hide their perceived sensitivities in an attempt to continue to do so. If this pattern continues, the child might “toughen up” or detach, ignoring their authentic Self and presenting a false self, which emerges from a core belief that parts of their identity are unacceptable. — *location: 1953* ^ref-56970 --- Now that you understand that beliefs are just practiced thoughts, it shouldn’t come as too much of a surprise to learn that in order to create a new belief, you will have to begin to practice a new thought. — *location: 1997* ^ref-45772 --- To put it simply, our relationship with our primary parent-figures is the foundation of the dynamics of all the relationships we have in adulthood. We call these relationships attachments. — *location: 2057* ^ref-55186 --- In 1952, psychoanalyst John Bowlby presented a theory of attachment66 after studying children and their relationship with their mothers at a London clinic.67 The children would display a variety of “social releasers,” such as crying or smiling, to get parent-figures’ attention. He came to the conclusion that their intense reactions emerged from a survival instinct. The attachment between mother and child, which he defined as “lasting psychological connectedness between human beings,” was “evolutionarily beneficial” for both parties but especially for the child, who is utterly dependent on others to live. Attachment, he concluded, is essential to social, emotional, and cognitive development in babies. — *location: 2058* ^ref-19967 --- The developmental psychologist Mary Ainsworth continued Bowlby’s work, creating the Strange Situation Classifications. This technique assessed different attachment styles by observing a child’s response when the mother briefly left the child in a room (sometimes with a stranger present) and returned. Ideally, when present, a parent-figure serves as a safe base for the child, who, once settled, will feel free to roam, play, and explore. — *location: 2064* ^ref-32811 --- The inability to form secure attachments in childhood, moreover, has been linked to social anxiety, conduct disorders, and other psychological diagnoses. — *location: 2088* ^ref-41786 --- It was as if I learned not to love anything too much, because if I truly loved something, it could be taken away from me. It wasn’t just a feeling of loss and abandonment; it was a fear that without a certain person I would not survive. So I made myself a shell that no one could get into. I made myself into a person who not only didn’t know her own needs but didn’t have any. — *location: 2108* ^ref-6187 --- The wounded inner child carries all of these compulsions into adulthood. We carry this powerlessness, hoping that others will change our circumstances and make us happy, externalizing quick fixes and daydreaming of alternate realities. We seek approval from others so that we will feel good about ourselves. We choose the quick fix—drugs, alcohol, sex—to feel pleasure in the moment that will dull our pain. Our real long-term goal is to find that security inside ourselves. Our work is to internalize the feeling of being good enough—a state of okayness that is not reliant on others. How can we begin to get to that place? This is the question at the heart of our inner child work. — *location: 2177* ^ref-17090 --- It’s important to acknowledge that even though your inner child is there, it is only a part of you. It is not your essential, intuitive Self. — *location: 2196* ^ref-54875 --- At the mere sight of a pile of used silverware or dirty pots and pans in the sink, I’d basically lose it. I’m talking blind rage. In the past, I sometimes became so reactive that I’d have a tantrum—slamming my hands on the countertop, yelling, stomping my foot. A full-body stress reaction would follow: my vagus nerve would activate my nervous system stress response, sending fight/flight/freeze messages to my body. Physiologically, I’d react as though a bear had just jumped on me in the woods, thrashing around to “save” myself from the attack of the dirty dishes. — *location: 2298* ^ref-15690 --- It’s only now, looking back, that I know that those dishes in the sink communicated a narrative: My partner doesn’t consider me. Remember, this is one of my core beliefs about myself (I’m not considered) that came from my childhood. This, my friends, is an ego story. — *location: 2311* ^ref-51773 --- The ego, the great protector of the inner child, is the “I” identity. Anything that follows the word “I” is an extension of the ego: I’m smart. I’m boring. I’m sexy. I’m frumpy. I’m good. I’m bad. The ego is our sense of self, our personal identity, our self-worth. The ego is a master storyteller (When my partner leaves dirty dishes in the sink, it means I’m not considered), creating and maintaining narratives about who we believe we are. The ego itself is not good or bad; it just is. — *location: 2314* ^ref-54255 --- The ego, in an attempt to make sure you’re never hurt again, puts up barriers—because in every opportunity for positive change, there is also the chance of the pain of failure. — *location: 2346* ^ref-30657 --- Our ego works overtime to defend its perception of who we are. To do this, it denies or represses emotions that we feel are bad or wrong in order to be good or desirable and receive as much love as possible. These bad or wrong parts of us are sometimes referred to as “the shadow self.” — *location: 2364* ^ref-8906 --- The more we deny parts of our shadow self, the more shame we feel and the more disconnected we become from our intuition. — *location: 2371* ^ref-39443 --- This is why judging others is so addictive; it relieves us from the ego’s internal struggle with shame. When we identify the faults of others, we can ignore our own and even convince ourselves that we are superior. — *location: 2383* ^ref-5273 --- Now that we’ve learned about the role of the ego, it’s time to start the process of doing ego work. The goal of this work is to become aware and conscious, instead of deferring to our ego’s reaction of our world. The work begins with simply witnessing. When we exist on autopilot, our ego holds the reins, so actively engaging the conscious mind helps loosen our ego’s hold on our daily existence. Once we become aware and conscious, we can view our ego’s thought patterns and fears and try to view its tantrums and defenses without judgment. Our ego’s defensiveness and vulnerability are similar to those of our inner child: Both need to be seen and heard without judgment. Our ego needs space to settle. It needs room to relax and soften. — *location: 2386* ^ref-25033 --- This may sound silly, but naming your ego is a powerful act of separating from it. Once we can view it and name it, we can disentangle our intuitive Self from the ego reaction—or at least get one step closer to accomplishing this. — *location: 2412* ^ref-10095 --- Our shadow self consists of all the unsavory parts of ourselves, about our relationships, our past, and our parent-figures that we are ashamed of and try to deny. Our ego spends a lot of time fighting battles to obscure our ability to see this shadow. As you learn how to question your ego, some of these parts of yourself will become apparent—often through your judgments of and projections onto others. — *location: 2442* ^ref-55628 --- The ultimate goal, really the final step in your ego work, is to cultivate empowerment consciousness, or an understanding and acceptance of your ego. Through practice, this state of consciousness will create a space of awareness that will allow you to make choices beyond knee-jerk ego reactivity. These consistent new choices will pave the path toward your future transformations. Contrary to popular belief, your goal is not “ego death.” Your ego will always be with you, even when you feel you’ve mastered it (which is in and of itself an ego statement!). In fact, it will often show up and surprise you when you least expect it to. — *location: 2485* ^ref-42595 --- In the 1980s, researchers Dr. Cindy Hazan and Dr. Phillip Shaver applied attachment theory to romantic partners, employing a “love quiz” to assess how secure the study participants’ relationships were in adulthood compared to those they experienced in infancy.71 The results of their research confirmed what many in the psychological community had long suspected: early-infant/childhood attachment provides the basis for romantic relationships in adulthood. — *location: 2568* ^ref-43220 --- In adulthood, we may find ourselves overriding our own needs in relationships and consistently allowing our limits to be crossed. Over time this denial of need can morph into anger or resentment—a concept known as contempt and shown in extensive studies by renowned couples therapist Dr. John Gottman74 to be a known relationship killer. We feel resentment and wonder “Why do people take advantage of me?” or “Why don’t people appreciate me?” which is a normal response to boundary violations. — *location: 2683* ^ref-57852 --- For a relationship to thrive, it can’t be used as a means to fill the voids or wounds caused by a parent-figure. A healthy relationship provides space for mutual evolution. This is the essence of authentic love, when two people allow each other the freedom and support to be fully seen, heard, and Self expressed. Authentic love doesn’t feel like an emotional roller coaster; it feels like peace and an inner knowing that you are both choosing to show up from a place of mutual respect and admiration. Authentic love feels safe. It’s rooted in the awareness that the other person is not property, not something to be owned, and that your partner is not your parent-figure, not someone who can fix or heal you. — *location: 2772* ^ref-64555 --- the boundary is not for others, it’s for you. It is not an ultimatum to make another person behave a certain way. An ultimatum is a statement that assigns a consequence to someone else’s behavior as a means of trying to effect a change in it. A boundary, rather, is a personal limit that is expressed so that your need will directly be met. It is an action we take for ourselves regardless of how the other person reacts. That the other person may change in some way is a secondary gain. An important aspect of setting boundaries is allowing others to have their own limits and boundaries and respecting and honoring theirs while you maintain your own. — *location: 2944* ^ref-43048 --- When our needs aren’t being met or are being actively infringed upon, we cannot point a finger at another person and say, “You have to change.” A better question to ask is: What do I need to do to make sure that my needs are better met? — *location: 2949* ^ref-43160 --- Another common outcome of mental/emotional and resource boundarylessness is emotional dumping, the spilling of emotional issues onto a person without being empathetic to their emotional state. — *location: 3000* ^ref-56902 --- Emotional dumping, by contrast, involves the airing of negative, circular, and obsessive thoughts. People who are prone to emotional dumping are often caught in the loop of emotional addiction; their heightened emotional state reinforces the behavior, even when it is not reinforced by those around them. — *location: 3003* ^ref-55306 --- Emotional dumping is a coping skill born of boundarylessness on both sides: the emotional dumper has loose mental/emotional boundaries, and the people on the receiving end (if they find themselves in this situation regularly) also don’t have sufficient boundaries to end it. — *location: 3007* ^ref-54696 --- Boundaries keep us connected to our intuitive voice. (That tightness in your chest is a big clue!) It is important to tune in to how you feel to use boundaries. Remember we are not in the thinking mind when we’re witnessing how we feel; instead, we are noticing how something or someone registers in our body. Once you start noticing your bodily sensations, assess where your current boundaries are lacking. What do you need to shift or change to make you feel safe and secure in your relationships? This assessment is for you. If you come from patterns of enmeshment there will be a pull to imagine the effect on the other person (How will Janet feel if I cancel our plans?). The goal is to reclaim your own energy and ask what will make you feel happier, safer, and more comfortable. — *location: 3025* ^ref-18664 --- To help you get started, I’ve included an example of a boundary-setting template that can be adapted to fit your needs: “I am making some changes so that [insert your intention for your new boundary] and hope you can understand that this is important to me. I imagine [insert your understanding of their behavior]. When you [insert problematic behavior], I often feel [insert your feelings], and I understand that is something you may not be aware of. In the future, [insert what you would or would not like to happen again]. If [insert original problematic behavior] happens again, I will [insert how you will respond differently to meet your own needs].” — *location: 3050* ^ref-56428 --- Keep in mind that timing is key. It is helpful to communicate a boundary at a time when both parties are as emotionally settled as possible. — *location: 3056* ^ref-31030 --- Like psychotherapist Lindsay Gibson wrote in one of my favorite books on the subject, Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents, understanding your parent-figures’ level of emotional maturity (or lack thereof) “frees us from emotional loneliness as we realize that their negativity wasn’t about us, but about them.”78 — *location: 3301* ^ref-5194 --- The way we move forward is to have the awareness that we can become the wise parent to ourselves that we did not have as a child. This is a process called reparenting, and it enables you to relearn how to meet the unmet needs of your inner child through daily, dedicated, and conscious action. — *location: 3310* ^ref-23115 --- Concepts similar to reparenting have existed in the psychodynamic field for decades. They have emerged from the mainstream therapy model that a secure relationship with a therapist can provide a grounding for healthier relationships in life. Psychoanalysis is built upon this framework with the concept of transference, or the “transfer” of feelings from our childhood onto a therapist, being an integral part of the therapeutic process. — *location: 3313* ^ref-19959 --- The reparenting process looks different for everyone. Generally, we want to quiet our inner critic and embrace self-respect and compassion. With the help of the wise inner parent, you can learn how to validate your reality and feelings by witnessing them, rather than instinctually judging or ignoring them. Your wise inner parent cultivates acceptance while honoring the needs of your inner child—to be seen, heard, and valued for the authentic parts of yourself. You become the priority. — *location: 3323* ^ref-62532 --- To develop your wise inner parent, you will want to learn how to trust yourself (maybe for the first time in your life). You can begin to rebuild this lost trust by setting small promises to yourself to engage in daily acts of self-care, and following through with those intentions. — *location: 3327* ^ref-40734 --- The first pillar of reparenting is emotional regulation, or the skill to successfully navigate our emotional states. Emotional regulation is our ability to cope with stress in a flexible, tolerant, and adaptive way. — *location: 3334* ^ref-18051 --- The ways we can regulate our emotions are all practices you are likely well versed in by now: deep belly breathing to regulate our stress response, nonjudgmentally witnessing changes in our body’s sensations, and noticing patterns in our ego-based narratives that are connected to those emotional activations. — *location: 3337* ^ref-32949 --- The second pillar is loving discipline. This pillar involves creating boundaries with ourselves that are maintained over time. We do this by making and keeping small promises and developing daily routines and habits. — *location: 3342* ^ref-41179 --- The third pillar goes hand in hand with loving discipline: self-care. — *location: 3360* ^ref-8765 --- Self-care is the act of learning to identify and care for your physical and emotional wants and needs, especially those that were denied in childhood. — *location: 3362* ^ref-10503 --- The fourth pillar, one of the ultimate goals of the work, is to rediscover our childlike sense of wonder. This state is made up of a combination of creativity and imagination, joy and spontaneity, and, of course, playfulness. — *location: 3368* ^ref-26429 --- If you’re going in with the expectation that your parent-figures will apologize, validate your feelings, or affirm your experience, I would suggest holding off on having this conversation until you feel more tolerant of the uncertainty of the outcome. Your inner healing is the priority. — *location: 3408* ^ref-21532 --- One day, while working on this book, I took a walk to clear my head. As I ambled along the beach in my new neighborhood, taking in the sensations of the world around me, I started practicing kind messages of support and love: What can I do for myself in this moment? Just as that question crossed my mind, the Mumford & Sons song “There Will Be Time” came on in my earbuds. I turned up the volume, swallowed up by the percussive beat, the swell of the keyboards, and the mingling of the vocal harmonies. So open up my eyes to a new light . . . And indeed there would be time Their words were prophetic. I stood there seeing finally with the open eyes of consciousness, learning how to connect to my innermost wants and needs, and for the first time truly trusting in the infinite possibilities of the choices we are gifted in any given moment of time. — *location: 3457* ^ref-45614 --- Before long, I was raising my hands up to the sky and jumping around. I was dancing. Full on. For anyone and everyone to see. — *location: 3470* ^ref-40583 --- Dancing on the beach was my radical act of self-acceptance, an intrinsic step forward in my healing journey. — *location: 3473* ^ref-12646 --- The psychotherapist Lindsay Gibson described emotional immaturity (with a focus on parenting) as the “lack of emotional responsiveness necessary to meet children’s emotional needs.”80 The outcome for children of emotionally immature parent-figures is loneliness, which is “a vague and private experience . . . you might call it a feeling of emptiness or being alone in the world.”81 — *location: 3527* ^ref-25327 --- Emotional maturity allows us to accept all of our emotions, even the uglier ones we don’t want to admit we harbor. The fundamental aspect of emotional maturity is the ability to be aware of and regulate our emotions in order to allow others to express themselves. Or simply the ability to tolerate all of our emotions without losing control, which is at the core of all the work we are doing. — *location: 3565* ^ref-22830 --- As I began to reconnect more and more with my body, learning the variations among feelings, I discovered the difference between stress and excitement. Anytime I felt activated, I thought that I was experiencing stress and would shut down or lose control. As I started to witness myself, I found that I often confused excitement for stress. Now when I feel the instinctual pull to label what I’m feeling as anxiety, I can take a second, look at it from a different angle, and, when applicable, reframe it into something a bit more helpful, such as excitement, when appropriate. — *location: 3581* ^ref-4286 --- When we resist the habit of creating a story about where our emotions came from, we shorten our body’s often prolonged physiological reactions. In doing so, we can come to experience the truth that they will pass. — *location: 3588* ^ref-35404 --- Soothing is the preferred way to deal with discomfort. — *location: 3599* ^ref-10825 --- As adults, many of us greatly benefit when we update the ways we attend to our emotional needs with the new information from our lives now. Instead of instinctually falling back into the coping strategies of our childhood, proactive soothing methods involve making a conscious choice. Soothing occurs when we act with agency and proactivity, meeting a problem head-on, which often feels very satisfying. After you’ve named and nonjudgmentally labeled your emotions, you will want to find a way to neutralize your reactions. — *location: 3600* ^ref-7013 --- The less obviously satisfying and arguably equally important coping strategy is to increase our ability to tolerate distress. We never want to feel that we are dependent on one thing to soothe us (like an adult version of a pacifier). — *location: 3612* ^ref-21685 --- Emotional maturity is not a goal to check off a list, like reaching the next level in a video game (now you’re a fully realized human, you win!). It’s not a magical state. The underlying message is not one of a state of enlightened beingness—it’s one of work and self-forgiveness that will ultimately lead us to a greater togetherness. — *location: 3713* ^ref-17229 --- When you feel ready, turn your attention to your physical body and all of the present sensations. Starting at the top of your head, scan your body, noticing if you feel tension, tightness, warmth, tingling, or lightness anywhere. Spend a moment or two on your head, neck, and shoulders, then move downward, noticing any and all sensations present in your arms and hands. Move a bit lower, noticing your chest area and stomach. Travel down your upper and lower legs, and end with your feet and toes. [Again, spend as much time as is comfortable on this body scan.] — *location: 3732* ^ref-58571 >Body connection meditation --- The work so far has been leading us up to this moment, to the ability to embody oneness, taking us back, back, back to a state of pure awareness and connectedness with all that is. We are literally transforming our mind and body and returning to our purest soul expression. We find the divine in ourselves, which extends to the world around us. — *location: 3821* ^ref-10611 --- Interdependence, a two-way state of authentic connection, is the act of being separate together. Only when I am a unified whole will I be able to connect authentically with others in ways that serve both of our spiritual, emotional, and physical needs. — *location: 3869* ^ref-1388 --- In the words of Chief Black Elk of the Oglala Sioux Nation, “The first peace, which is most important, is that which comes from the souls of people when they realize their relationship, their Oneness, with the universe and all its powers, and when they realize that at the center of the universe dwells the Great Spirit, and that this center is really everywhere, it is within each of us.”87 — *location: 3950* ^ref-7830 --- Once you peel back the window dressings of your ego and connect to the purest, most authentic part of yourself, once you reach out to your community in an open state of open receptiveness—awakenings will come. It is in these moments that true enlightenment and healing are possible. As you heal yourself, you heal the world around you. — *location: 3957* ^ref-12682 --- A DAY IN THE LIFE OF DOING THE WORK BALANCE YOUR BODY: Explore your body’s physical needs by answering these questions: Which foods help your body feel good, and which make your body feel not its best? How much sleep (and at what times) helps your body feel more restored? — *location: 3990* ^ref-9665 --- How much movement (and when) helps your body release stored emotions? Balance your nervous system by engaging in daily polyvagal work (such as breathwork, meditation, or yoga). BALANCE YOUR MIND: Build in more moments of consciousness and self-witnessing daily. Identify your ego stories and shadow self, noticing how your self-narrative drives many emotion <You have reached the clipping limit for this item> — *location: 3994* ^ref-26067 --- <You have reached the clipping limit for this item> — *location: 3990* ^ref-28093 ---