“Taking care of your body is important, but tending to your relationships is a form of self-care too. That, I think, is the revelation.”[8] — *location: 1909* ^ref-61322 --- That is the idea animating a theory of motivation that Tory Higgins, a Columbia University social psychologist, first proposed in 1987. Higgins argued that we all have an “actual self,” an “ideal self,” and an “ought self.” Our actual self is the bundle of attributes that we currently possess. Our ideal self is the self we believe we could be—our hopes, wishes, and dreams. And our ought self is the self we believe we should be—our duties, commitments, and responsibilities.[1] — *location: 1985* ^ref-44419 --- people regret their failures to live up to their ideal selves more than their failures to live up to their ought selves. — *location: 1996* ^ref-38540 --- Regrets of “coulda” outnumbered regrets of “shoulda” by about three to one. The likely reason is the contrasting emotional consequences of these two flavors of regret. Discrepancies between our actual self and our ideal self leave us dejected. But discrepancies between our actual self and our ought self make us agitated—and therefore more likely to act. We feel a greater sense of urgency about ought-related regrets, so we’re more likely to begin repair work—by undoing past behavior, apologizing to those we’ve wronged, or learning from our mistakes.[2] “Couldas” bug us longer than “shouldas,” because we end up fixing many of the “shouldas.” — *location: 1997* ^ref-1072 --- So, under the Regret Optimization Framework, when deciding a course of action, begin by asking whether you are dealing with one of the four core regrets. If not, satisfice. For example, if you’re buying lawn furniture or a(nother) microwave oven, that decision is unlikely to involve any fundamental, enduring human need. Make a choice and move on. You’ll be fine. If the decision does involve one of the big four, spend more time deliberating. Project yourself into the future—five years, ten years, at age eighty, whatever makes sense. From that future vantage point, ask yourself which choice will help you build your foundation, take a sensible risk, do the right thing, or maintain a meaningful connection. Anticipate these regrets. Then choose the option that most reduces them. Use this framework a few times, and you will begin to see its power. — *location: 2719* ^ref-11406 ---